woolen socks packed away

Whether I will ever wear my fuzzy tights or my will and socks again depends on how long I survive.  Lucinda cleared out my dresser today and pack the tights and Lou and socks together in case I last until the weather turns cold again.  While I personally was pretty inactive, Lucinda and Eliza were quite busy.  Elijah has been taking pictures of various photos and works of art.  She helped Lucinda move the bureau from it's occasion over the tub in the bathroom the area that was occupied by my drafting table until yesterday when Mary took it away. David has a scheme for covering my many colored southern wall with a huge flag and the Western Wall at least a portion of it that isn't curtain where's the Washington Banner which is a navy blue banner with six pointed white stars on it.  I asked him to wait until his sister's remove the furnishings from the room including the stained glass storage chest for Mary and that case for Tisha and the heat paint work chest for Nancy.  My daily wardrobe has been reduced to long sleeve t-shirt and WYD like yoga pants with elastic waistband worn over my garments with no bra.  I have a nice selection of long-sleeved lightweight t-shirts in many colors although my yoga pants are limited to Gray and black. However in my opinion they are suitable to wear in front of strangers and male relatives without feeling the need to wear housecoats or pajamas and change several times a day. Elijza prepared a white skirt and blouse for me to where when I'm buried and my temple robes.  Lucinda consolidated my garments and pants and t-shirts into a small plastic dresser that is stored in my bedroom instead of in the bathroom.  A certain amount of detritus plus two bookshelves remain in the area I have been using as a closet for several years.  When everything has been cleared away from the bookshelves they will be removed to the back porch of the downstairs area where are books that have been stored under some of my living room furniture will be sorted out, removing an eye sore that has bothering me for a while but Richard didn't have room in his room for the books.  I may fast tomorrow aside from my morning dose of apricot pits. 

a loungy kind of day

Meg was my overnight attendant last night and today she has mostly been involved and making masks I'm trying to deal with my machine.  It is a new machine and there shouldn't be that many problems because she's the only one who has used it for the last several days but she has made a lot of masks. David brought back a selection of commercial paper masks and left a few with me.  I had expected to do taxes today but I didn't have Lucinda print out the forms as I had hoped.  so mostly I have lounged in my bed trying to figure out whether or not to take a pain pill.

Closer

There are two different meanings to the word that is spelled closer.  The word that most of us were familiar with having more into the proximity of something, someone, an object or a date. The other refers to a person who finishes an operation or a deal.  I assume my death is growing closer as time goes on.  On the other hand I feel like someone who is a closer as I complete various assignments along the way.  Today I paid off utility bills contacted the emergency doctors billing line to give them my social security numbers so they can bill me property and use Medicare to pay part of my bills I contacte the mortuary to  get a clear copy of my agreement.  I destroyed copies in earlier wills and consolidated my current will and living attorney documents.  Furniture was arranged and very took the stained glass window that she will have in her home up to South Jordan with the help of her sister Lucinda. You nicer stained glass of Joseph Smith cutting the ice in place of the stained glass Mary took away. 

Stroganoff and Carrots

Meg fixed a luncheon of stroganoff carrots and salad this afternoon Brian had purchased salad makings yesterday at the creamery and Lucinda had provided the noodles and sour cream. I had Richard pull some steaks out of the freezer and put them in the refrigerator to thaw. We ate before other family members arrived and had sacrament meeting in the evening.  Eliza is spending the night here.  I'm a little uncertain about whether or not I should take another dose of pain medication.  But it's handy so if I need it it's no big thing to take it. Tomorrow I need to contact the mortuary and make sure plans are in place.  I may or may not have enough energy to do my taxes after the visiting nurse comes by at 11.  We have resolved so many things in the last week or two. Shriving myself of so many positions by giving them away to those who are happy to receive them has been very nice. I don't exaggerate when I say that my oldest granddaughter Tara what is invaluable in dividing and categorizing the many art supplies I've accumulated.  I feel glad that I finally reached out to my sisters and told them about my impending death and that there's not much I can do about it except to greet it with a smile and the fairh that I have claimed since my childhood.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the truth my savior pay the price for my follies and sins.  God loves me and wants the best for me and the holy ghost is my sacred friend. 

biggest project ever

I love to make plans and create projects has my granddaughter Tara inventoried and divided my art supplies and as the rest of this considered the jewelry collection I've accumulated I realize that most of them are based on my desire to do it project small things like making earrings or entire system such as creating if it was needed to do encaustic.  Dividing and disposing of my legacies has now become the project of the moment. So far it has been very satisfying. After receiving the diagnosis for my doctor or should I say my friends doctor and oncologist that I was going to die and further treatment would be not only useless but ,as he said; cancer would not kill me as fast as chemotherapy would.  There has not been a steady progression I've disease.  The day before yesterday I took several doses her morphine after the previous day when I didn't take any.  Yesterday I was once again spared any pain serious enough to reach for my little bottle of liquid morphine with a syringe to administer it under my tongue.  Today I took some in the morning and then again around 10:30 and then again around 1:30 or 2 p.m..  I just took a another dose at almost 11 p.m. as I retire to sleep.  I am grateful that my way of life for the past 2 years has resulted in a relatively tidy environment.  If I had to deal with a lot of clutter and waste while sorting out my clothing, jewels and art supplies, there are probably several reasons that I would have felt a great deal worse than I do.  It has been pleasant to set aside various objects and to watch my children and grandchildren make choices from things I value .

Family

It has been sweet for the last 2 days do you have conversations with all of my children..  Tricia visited today with Hannah and Rudy and I gave her the slide that I have been trying to get around to installing for months now.  I also gave her outdoor chair that swivels and rocks and if it's not used by Rudy will be a comfortable place for those who need to tend him.  Yesterday I gave up ox of cake making pans and supports to Sela who loves to bake and loves to watch others bake on TV and YouTube.  She and her sister we're excited and diverted by the prospect of making cakes with the various sizes pans I'm supporting them on the various faces I also gave them my cupcake racks.  The process of opening the large box that contained all the bacon gear then trying to fit it back in again when they were finished examining it was very diverting from the topic I was talking to their parents about, my cancer.  Jacqueline and Diana came by yesterday to offer what help I might need and I enlisted them in doing the test but they stopped doing a couple of months ago when they felt at favor exposing me my continuing to come into my house given the current virus problem.   The gadianton robbers are abroad in the land, instigating violent and destructive demonstrations.  Secret combinations invest the governments of the world hand in the name of freedom the most innocent among Us the babies arer being killed..  other than having a tumor damaging my health I have a very comfortable life most of all I value the love of my family.  My physical condition has improved radically since the  urinary tract infection that was identified at the hospital has been under treatment with sulfa drugs cantharis and .cranberry pellets. 

Prepare to Die

On Friday evening I began to feel really poorly difficulty breathing and general malaise.  I called my daughter Nancy to come and help me out she drove me to the hospital where  they treated me is an active covid-19 patient initially.  I thought that my problem stemmed from something like a bleeding ulcer or another bleeding tumor and that I had low blood levels.  I gave me a cardio exam and then begin to do X-rays not long after which they took me down to the CAT scan room and get upper and lower scans.  Good news was that my little animals are in good area play there's nothing wrong with my heart however the doctor tells me I have a mass you're my spine between my kidneys and from his description is fairly extensive including spots on my lungs.  For a little over a year I've been suffering from vague back aches the real orientales lately.  This was probably a sign of the tumor slowly growing.  I send out an email to All My children telling them of what I have been told.  Their responses were sympathetic and sensitive.  Mary brought her family for a visit and I realize that it was a good time to give Sela who's talented and interested in baking buy stock of wedding pans and supports for making wedding cakes.  I appreciated Mary bringing some pain pills,. I will likely choose palliative care, hopefully carried out at home.  Most of the preparation I need to make have already been accomplished.